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[Scene opens with room a little cleaner. One small lamp is on otherwise room is dark. Small banner over bed says: GOOD LUCK, JIM AND MEL. With balloons attached. Door opens, Jim is standing there in tuxedo, showing sign of being slightly drunk.]
JIM: Melissa! Come out of the bathroom! I've been standing here for over twenty minutes. I can't go over the threshold without you. [long pause] If you don't come out I'll take the hinges off the door and carry you over the bathroom threshold. [sound of door slam] MEL: All right, I'm here! JIM: Good. [bends down, throws her over his shoulder and carries her protestingly in] MEL: JIM! This is not the way, put me down! JIM: There Mrs. Boardman, you're home. MEL: Don't call me Mrs. Boardman! I wouldn't be here if I had known what kind of monster you were. JIM: Monster? What's your problem? You didn't say one word all the way over here in the car...no, I take that back, you said the word "nothing" every time I asked you what you were mad about. God I hate that word. Nothing! Nothing! MEL: I want to go home! JIM: I hate to break it to you, but you are home. MEL: This is not a home! JIM: What is the matter with you? MEL: You paid an awful lot of attention to Terry tonight, didn't you? JIM: Terry? Terry is Dave's girlfriend. She also happens to be a friend of mine. MEL: You were very friendly with her at the reception. All that dancing you two did. Maybe you should have married her. JIM: Melissa, Terry is a very outgoing person. She likes to dance and Dave doesn't. I was the only other person at the reception she knew who likes to dance. It was only a few dances. MEL: A few! It seemed like half the evening. I'm surprised the two of you didn't dance at the alter! JIM: [to her] Mel, I love you. I married you. I want to live with you and no one else. This is no way to start a marriage. I'm sorry about this evening. If I knew it would have upset you so much, I would have ignored her. MEL: Jim, I know Dave and Terry have been your friends for a long time, but it was our evening and I wanted you to be with me. JIM: I'm sorry Mel, I had a few to drink and she asked me to dance. The drinks clouded my mind. I am sorry, please forgive me? [pause, no response] Please Mel, I don't want us to start off like this. MEL: Well, you were a little tipsy and I suppose it wasn't that many dances, but it upset me to see you dancing with another woman. An attractive woman at that. JIM: Melissa, I married you, I don't want an attractive woman...I didn't mean it that way..I mean you're very attractive too...I married you and not her, even if she is attractive..You're attractive too. MEL: I get what you're trying to say Jim. I guess I'll forgive you this time. JIM: I'm glad, very glad. MEL: Oh, I'm sorry for acting the way I did. Will you forgive me? JIM: As long as you forgive me, I guess I'll forgive you. MEL: It's a deal. [They kiss] JIM: I hate to say this but I have to go to the bathroom. All the beer...you understand? MEL: I understand Jim, go take care of business. JIM: I'll be right back...why don't you slip into something more comfortable. [exits] [Mel has a sickly smile, she gets out suitcase and puts it on bed. She takes off wedding veil, folds it and puts it on shelf. Opens suitcase and takes out black nightgown. Holds it up and says: "OH, GOD!". She goes over to mirror and holds it up in front of her. She says a long "Oh" and whimpers as she runs into closet] JIM: [entering] Melissa I'm back.Melissa? [to kitchen] Melissa? [sound of crying from closet] Melissa is that you? [to closet] Are you in there? [tried to opendoor but Mel pulls it back] Melissa, what are you doing? MEL: Go Away! JIM: Mel, what's the matter now? MEL: Go Away? JIM: Mel, come out of the closet. MEL: [opens door a little] Go away you rapist! [slams door] JIM: I haven't touched you yet. [to himself] Great, I knew I should have tested the merchandise before I paid the price. MEL: [door opens again] That's not fair. You knew that I wanted to save myself for the wedding night. JIM: Mel, this is our wedding night. [she bawls, slams door] JIM: Melissa, please come out so we can talk this over. MEL: Go away! JIM: Melissa! Am I going to have to forcibly remove you from the closet? [knock on hall door] Don't go away, I'll be right back. [to door, opens it. Dawn is standing there] Well, HELLO! [Dawn is a little dense and says all of her sentences in one breath until she runs out of air, takes deep breath then continues the same bit] DAWN: Hi! I'm Dawn and I'm visiting Martin across the hall and it seems that we can't find a corkscrew to open the wine bottle that we got from the 7-11 and Martin sent me over to ask you if you found your corkscrew that he asked you about last month and if you found it could we borrow it so we can open the wine bottle or else we'll have to open a six pack of beer but I don't like beer because it makes me giddy and I start doing silly things so do you have a corkscrew? JIM: I like a girl who's brief and to the point. Come in, I think I can help you. DAWN: This is a real nice apartment you have here do you live here? JIM: ...Uh, yes I do. DAWN: That's great cause now I know that you live here maybe I can come over and visit once and a while when you're home and don't have any company and we could open a bottle of wine together if you want. JIM: Yeah, that would be nice..what am I saying? I'm sorry Dawn, but I'm married. DAWN: That's all right, I can visit when she's not around. MEL: [bursts out of closest] I'm always here!! [back in] DAWN: Who was that? JIM: My wife, live from the closet. DAWN: Does she live in there? JIM: No, I'm just having a little trouble getting her to come out of the closet. DAWN: Ohh, is she gay? JIM: No, it's our wedding night and she's a little nervous. DAWN: Ohh! I know that feeling, I've been married three times. JIM: Three times? You must have been nervous. Uh, excuse me, I'll get the corkscrew. [into kitchen] DAWN: [to closet] Hello in there. [knocks] MEL: [opens door a crack] What! DAWN: There's no need to be nervous. The wedding night is the best part of the marriage. After that then you can get nervous, what with all the house cleaning, the kids, the drunk husband, the fights and finally the divorce. MEL: I....I ..didn't even think about that. [cries and slams door] JIM: [entering] Here's the corkscrew. Ask Martin to remember to return it. DAWN: Thanks, I'll tell him. Bye. [exits] JIM: [to closet] Mel, will you come out? [pulls door but she pulls it back] Mel!! [he grabs door, braces for one good pull. He does so and Mel comes flying out across the room. She heads for hall door but Jim blocks her. She heads back for closet door but Jim grabs her by the waist and carries her to the bed.] MEL: Leave me alone, you beast! I heard you flirting with that girl. JIM: I am not stupid. I wouldn't flirt with a girl while my wife was in the closet. MEL: Oh, but you would if I wasn't here! JIM: Melissa, we just got married tonight and I have no interest in any other woman but you. If you're going to keep this up, I just may go over to Martin's because he usually has more than one girl over there. [no reaction, he heads to door] MEL: Where are you going? [he stops, no comment, starts to open door] Jim you wouldn't. JIM: Well I'm not getting any loving at home, now am I? [she doesn't say anything, he starts out] MEL: Wait! Don't leave me alone. Not on our wedding night. JIM: Do you want me to stay? MEL: ...Yes. [he closes door, to her] I'm sorry, this is all so new. JIM: I understand, I won't rush you. MEL: Thank you. [up and to closet] JIM: You're not going back in there are you? MEL: No..I just forgot something in there. [goes in come back out with nightgown, holds it up for him] JIM: Oh yeah! I think it would look better on you. MEL: Well, we'll see. [gets robe out of suitcase] I'll be right back. [to door] JIM: Now where are you going? MEL: To the bathroom to change. [exits] JIM: Oh boy. [he pulls off tux, has pajamas on under tux, pulls cushions off bed, pulls back covers, turns out room lights gets in bed, turns off small lamp when he hears a knock on door] Come in dear! [door opens, providing only light, Dawn is standing there] DAWN: Hello? JIM: I'm in bed dear, waiting for you. DAWN: Oh wow! [she enters, closes door, into bed, sounds of giggling] JIM: Boy, you sure loosened up. DAWN: Well, I knew it was only a matter of time before your wife would be gone. JIM: My wife? DAWN: Yeah, the one in the closet. JIM: Who are you? DAWN: Dawn, from Martin's party. JIM: OH! MY! GOD! You've got to get out of here before my wife gets back!! DAWN: But I was just getting warmed up. JIM: You haven't seen warm like you're going to see when she gets back. Now get out fast!! MEL: [entering] Jim. I'm back. [stands at open door] Jim, are you here? JIM: Oh no. MEL: What? Shall I turn on the lights? JIM: NO!! [out of bed, swings her around to closet] Why don't you hang up your wedding dress. In the closet! MEL: Well, I guess I should. JIM: Yes you should! [opens closet door, pushes her in and closes the door.To Dawn] You got to get out of here!! [closet door opens] MEL: Jim, don't be so rough! JIM: I'm sorry. [swings her around, kisses her while trying to signal Dawn to get out] DAWN: Do you want me to leave now? MEL: Who's that? [to switch, turns room lights on, Dawn by bed, back to Jim] What's she doing here!?! JIM: Uh, Uh. DAWN: I just came over to get some ice for Martin. We're out. JIM: Right, Ice! Here I'll get you some. [into kitchen, comes back with tray] Here's the ice! [pushes her to door] Say hi to Martin for me, Bye! [slams door] MEL: Monster!! JIM: Mel I know this looks funny but you were only gone a few minutes. Why would I try something with a total stranger in our own home knowing you were coming back soon, huh? I mean she's with Martin, right? MEL: You look very guilty, but I have to admit you do make sense. I'm going to let this slide, but if I find that girl in this apartment ever again, you'll be talking with a higher voice. Do you understand? JIM: Yes dear, I do. MEL: I didn't put on this outfit [opens robe] for nothing. I'm going to turn this into a night that will make you forget any other woman for a long, long time. JIM: [nervously] You are? MEL: I am. Now get into bed! [turns on small lamp] JIM: Yes dear. [he does so very fast] MEL: I'm going to make up for all the problems we've had tonight. [turns out room light] I'll make you yell for mercy. [climbs into bed, starts kissing as phone rings] Who is that? JIM: I'll get it. [turns on room light, answers phone] Hello! Oh hi, how are you? Yeah, we did have a good time didn't we. Sure, it was fun wasn't it. I had a great time too...I know, it's too bad we can't do it again sometime. MEL: Who is it? It better not be one of your old girl friends! JIM: Well I'm glad it made you happy. Maybe we can get together again soon. MEL: OH!! JIM: That soon? Well, I'll have to ask my wife. Yeah, it does sound strange calling her my wife. Sure you can ask her if she doesn't mind. Hold on. I'll let you talk to her. [holds out phone] MEL: You are a monster! JIM: Here Mel, talk to her. MEL: No I don't want to talk to any of your floozies. JIM: Mel, it's your mother, we were talking about the wedding. MEL: Oh....[takes phone] Hello, mother, yes everything is fine... mom, I can't talk about that now, you should have told me about that years ago...mom this not the time for the birds and the bees...tell me next week and I'll tell you if I did it right..yes mom...alright, put him on...hello dad...yes everything is all right...no dad, mom is going to tell me about it next week...I know it will be too late dad...No dad, I'm not going to put him off till then..yes dad, I'll be careful...I love you too...OK dad... talk to you next week. Bye! [hangs up] Jim, that wasn't nice! JIM: I couldn't resist it. MEL: Well, you're a monster..but a cute one. [gets into bed] Jim, the lights. [Jim gets up and turns off lights, room dark] JIM: Shall we get back to business? MEL: I hope so. [Jim into bed] MARTIN: [entering, stone drunk] Boardman, I need some more ice. [silence] Boardman are you here? JIM: Yes Martin, bad timing Martin. MARTIN: [turns on room lights] Whoa, you finally got to it. Sorry, but I need some more ice. JIM: In the refrigerator! MARTIN: Don't get up, I'll get it myself. [staggers to kitchen, enters, loud crashing noises, comes back out] Sorry about that mess, I'll clean it up in the morning. Have fun you two and do everything I would do, just don't get arrested, the law frowns on what I do. [turns off lights, exits] MEL: Jim lock the door. JIM: I can't, the lock is broke. MEL: Oh great. JIM: Just ignore it and let's get back to what we were doing. MEL: Good idea. [they get romantic again, phone rings, Jim yells: "DAMN!"] I'll get it. [she gets up, turns on room light and answers phone] Hello...Daddy what do you want now!!!...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell...yes dad, we're leaving tomorrow morning...I don't know what route we're taking..just a minute. [to Jim] What route are we talking to Florida tomorrow? JIM: He's calling now to ask that! He could have talked to me at the reception. MEL: Jim! JIM: Tell him I-75 all the way through. MEL: Dad we're taking I-75 all the way down ..yes, dad, we'll call when we get there...I know it's the first time I've been away from home...I'll be careful about that too, dad...No dad, I don't need to talk to mom again...yes dad, we'll call..ok..bye. [hangs up] JIM: I haven't been able to get close to you for more than two minutes all night!! MEL: I know Jim, I'm sorry, let's make up for it. JIM: All right, I'm getting very frustrated! MEL: Relax, please [gets in] and kiss me. [phone rings] JIM: Arraugh!!! [Jumps up, grabs phone, opens door, throws phone out, slams door] NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS!!! [back to bed, romantic again as Martin enters with phone in hand] MARTIN: Boardman. It's for you, it's your father-in-law. JIM: That does it!! MEL: Where are you going? JIM: To the showers!! [exits] MARTIN: Do you want me to take a message? [Mel bawls] BLACKOUT, END OF Act 1 - Scene 3
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